A Dog's Diary

  • 5:30 AM Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the
    newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber I
    realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my
    master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with
    himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His
    ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since
    I saved him from being fired. Funny thing though, he didn't go
    to work but spent the morning leafing through the newspaper and
    drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don't
    know why.
  • 7:30 AM Invaders! The people who live next door came out into
    their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house.
    Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that
    I was prepared to tear them limb from limb if they came any
    closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost
    daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his
    voice to the fray, yelling angrily. I am sure the people
    couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.
  • 1:00 PM I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While
    it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did
    set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even
    gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me
    having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious,
    though frozen in the center. I don't want to seem ungrateful,
    but crunching through two inches of rock hard beef is not my idea
    of a delicacy.
  • 2:00 PM Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home
    and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had
    been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces
    of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational
    fashion. I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that
    stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up
    newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the
    front door which had been left open a crack.
  • 4:00 PM Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive
    day, I was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'till you
    Drop" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we
    like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular
    containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue
    Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance. Does
    he think we don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that
    snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn't a
    male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence,
    and Sebastian was at the head of the pack.
  • 5:00 PM What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my
    attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an
    automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so
    delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous
    fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively
    radiated eau de roadkill.
  • 6:00 PM Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a
    foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he
    shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the
    water from my fur he, too, became drenched and in the end he was
    shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?
  • 9:00 PM Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed
    whenever anyone is home. Ah, the life of a dog.